


The life I choose

by NanPan86



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Upstead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:15:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29003592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanPan86/pseuds/NanPan86
Summary: When someone from Hailey’s past suddenly re-emerges, can her and Jay’s new relationship survive?  The choices she needs to make will force her to explore the traumas of her childhood, and seek out a brother who left her behind.
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 37
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

Hailey’s sneakers barely make a sound as she climbs the steps to her unit. She rode in with Jay, but he’d stopped to talk to someone and she had kept going. She’s a little lost in her own thoughts this morning, but they're good thoughts. There’s not really a way to describe the way things have shifted between her and Jay. It doesn’t make sense how something can feel as though everything has changed and that somehow, not a single thing has changed.

They’re Halstead and Upton. Hailey and Jay. Partners and best friends and now... _ more.  _

On the mornings he doesn’t stay over at her place, he picks her up, a cup of coffee waiting and a smile on his face. They still grab drinks together and join the rest of the unit at Molly’s. They are still so in tune with the other that they anticipate each other’s moves.  _ Their thing  _ is still theirs. 

The changes, though subtle, are everything she didn’t even know she was missing. Like the way his fingers linger on hers as he passes the cup of coffee to her. The brush of his lips against hers in greeting, or the way his hand finds her lower back as he walks through the door to the bar behind her. It’s the way he pulls her close when they sit on his couch after a tough case and they just hold onto each other. The way his caring eyes are the last thing she always wants to see before she falls asleep, and the first thing she sees upon waking. It’s all so new but still so familiar...an extension of  _ them. _

If anyone in their unit notices the way his eyes hold hers for a little too long, the way they stand close enough to touch shoulders, or the easy smiles she offers him throughout the day, they say nothing. 

The only person that knows anything has changed between them is their boss. A week after telling Jay she wasn’t taking the FIB’s offer, he told her that he didn’t want to hide this from Voight.

“We are not a dirty secret, I don’t want to feel ashamed of this.” It was such a loaded statement, and it had taken her by surprise. He’s talking about him and Lindsey. About how Erin never wanted to tell Voight. How they had had to sneak around behind everyone’s back. 

It was about Erin, but maybe a tiny dig at her too. Her and Adam. Sure, Voight had known about them, but only because it had been necessary to tell him in order to try and help out Adam. 

Was she ready for everyone to know? No...but she wanted to tell Voight out of respect to him. He’d helped her when she started to lose herself last year. Sending her to New York didn’t save her, but it definitely set her straight. 

That was another conversation that she hadn’t seen happening the way it did. He wasn’t angry, which was what they both had expected. He’d just leaned back in his chair. It was a short discussion about remaining partners and what would happen in the event of a lovers quarrel or a breakup. All in all, it had taken longer to fill out the HR forms than coming clean to him. His question as they prepared to leave his office was really the only tell that he had even cared.

“How long?” The words stopped them both and Jay let Hailey speak, a reassuring hand on her back.

“Just a couple of days.” It looked like he had been surprised by that. Like maybe he had been expecting them to tell him it’s been months that they’ve been together. A quick nod was his only response, and they had hurried from his office before he changed his mind.

That was two months ago. Two months of everything and nothing changing. She’s happy. The kind of happy she never really saw herself being. Honestly, it’s a struggle to not grin like an idiot all day at work. It would take a lot to ruin the high she’s been on.

Jay’s hand on her arm pulls her from her thoughts, and the goofy smile that's taken up residence on her face the last couple of weeks falls when she looks at him. Somethings wrong.

“Hailey...your uh...your mom is downstairs.” His eyes are full of concern for her, unsure of what she needs in this moment, and just like that...her high is gone. Those words are more than enough to bring her down.

* * *

She takes her time signing into her computer and checking for emails. She doesn’t care that it means her mom has to wait. She  _ should  _ wait. Waiting is the least of what that woman deserves. She has no clue what brought her here, and she’s in no hurry to find out.

Something touches her foot, causing her to look down under her desk where she finds Jay’s foot, stretched out under the small opening, trying to get her attention.

“Would you stop?” She’s not mad or annoyed with him, she’s just stuck in her own head right now, and she knows he can see that. He’s just being Jay...trying to help.

“Want me to tell her to go?” He's only half joking.

Hailey’s eyes close for a moment, trying to quiet the noise in her head. She hates that a part of her wants to let Jay send her away. Whatever her mom is here for, it’s too late. She doesn’t want to be a part of it.

“I’ll handle it.” She isn’t sure if she actually said it as harshly as it sounded in her head, so she awkwardly taps her foot against his, making him look back at her.

“Thank you, Jay.” She doesn’t need to tell him what for. He knows.

* * *

After dragging things out upstairs for as long as she could, Hailey finally makes her way through the gate, meeting Platt’s intrigued gaze as her foot hits the last step. A small shake of her head tells her that even she has no clue why her mom would be here.

“She’s in there.” Trudy points to the room next to the steps and Hailey squares her shoulders before starting in that direction. She just wants this over as quickly as possible.

“Hailey, sweetheart. Finally...” Susan Upton stands from her chair, stepping towards her daughter, fully intent on hugging her.

_ The audacity of this woman... _ Hailey inwardly cringes at the endearment from her mom. She sidesteps her, obviously ignoring the hug, and crosses her arms.

“Why are you here?” There’s no patience in her tone, no sympathy. Hailey had tried for years to get her mom away from her dad, but there’s only so much you can do for someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. She no longer cares...hasn’t for a long time.

“Sweetheart...”

“No. I’m at work. You have two minutes to tell me why you’re here.” She keeps her face blank, not wanting to give her mom the satisfaction that she’s rattled. They stare at each other, her mother’s eyes bordering on pleading.

“Your father is sick.” It’s all she says, like that somehow explains everything, and in those four words, Hailey can hear everything she isn’t saying.  _ He needs your help…you need to let it go...you need to forgive him...He’s your father. _

She’s heard enough. She didn’t sign up for a guilt trip today. She’s completely silent as she once again steps around her mom, and heads for the door. 

“Hailey!” It’s not quite a shout, but it definitely carries out into the district lobby, causing the few people milling about to turn in their direction.

“He’s dying.” The pleading quality in her mothers voice causes her eyes to close.

“I...I’m sorry…” All she can think about is getting as far from her as she can. Her fingers fly over the keypad, shaking as she tries to enter her code. The tiny light remains red. She can hear her mom’s hushed words about doing the right thing but for the most part, her voice sounds far away and muffled. Somehow she manages a nod of thanks to Trudy, when even without the proper code, the gate finally buzzes open. 

Her back hits the wall when she makes it upstairs, hands resting on her knees as she struggles to get her breathing and emotion under control. A familiar pair of shoes appear in front of her own, and just as she looks up at Jay, there’s a crash at the gate downstairs. Hailey flinches, looking away from Jay, partly because she’s embarrassed, but mostly she’s ashamed.

“He’s your father!” Her mother’s voice gets further away and Hailey briefly wonders if she left on her own, or if someone had to physically remove her from the building. She knows it was probably the latter, and the feeling of shame intensifies.

Her mother’s shouts are swirling in her head, mixing with scenes from her childhood. They get louder and louder as her hands start to shake once again. It’s too much. The sounds growing and mixing with every second that passes until it feels like her mind is going to explode, and she’s seconds away from clamping her hands over her ears in an attempt to stop it _ ,  _ when suddenly a strong and warm pressure on her fingers pulls her back.

Her eyes snap up to meet his worried gaze. Blue against green, and it’s there that she finds it. The quiet she had been desperate to obtain. He’s always been there to try and bring her back from the edge, and now that they are dating, it’s easier to let him.

“What do you need?” Jay’s voice is soft and comforting and she knows he’d do pretty much anything for her. 

“I don’t know.” 

* * *

“Ready?” Hailey looks past the door to her locker to find Jay leaning against the next row. 

“Ready.” She pulls her hair out from her collar and falls in step with him as they walk out. 

He’s been watching her all day. Studying her every move. The longer he watched her, the more it seemed she closed herself off from not just him, but everyone in the unit as well. It wasn’t her typical shutdown, but she’s barely spoken all afternoon, and he’s yet to see her smile since he told her about her mom. It’s definitely got him more than a little worried.

They climb inside his truck, both buckling in, and Hailey waits for him to ask her the questions he’s held back all day. The questions she could see in his eyes every time he looked at her. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to reassure him that she was fine. 

The truth is, she doesn’t think she is fine. Her mom appearing, telling her that her father is sick...it’s got to be something big. 

Hailey sighs, her head dropping to the window as scenarios roll around in her mind. She’s so caught up in them that it isn’t until Jay is standing in front of her, the door open, waiting for her to step down out of the truck, that she realizes two things. She had zoned out the entire drive to her place, and Jay hadn’t asked her about it. 

“You aren’t gonna ask about it?” Maybe he did ask her and she had been so involved in her thoughts, that she had missed it. Everything inside her calms again when he reaches inside the truck to pull her down, setting her in front of him.

“I don’t need to, Hailey.” His hand cups her cheek. “When you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be here. You know that.” Her hug takes him by surprise, but not nearly as much as the sheen of tears he’d seen in her eyes.

“This isn’t me pushing you away. I just...I don’t think I’m ready to go back there right now.” Her words are muffled against his chest, but when he whispers that there isn’t a rush, she knows he heard her.

* * *

Jay spends the better part of the evening hovering around Hailey and awkwardly standing just far enough from her to give the illusion that he’s letting her have some space. 

She’s still quiet, only really speaking when he asks her something. She picks at the pizza he ordered and chooses to have two fingers of whiskey instead of the beer he set out for her. 

“I’m gonna take a shower.” Jay sets the last of the dishes into her dishwasher before he turns to look at her. The question she doesn’t ask is there, in the outstretched hand she offers him. 

A tiny grin forms on his face because of all the things he’s unable to help her with right now, this he can definitely do.

Her movements are hurried as she flicks on the water in her shower before turning to him and tugging his shirt up and off. He wants to tell her to slow down, that he isn’t going anywhere, but the desperation in her touch blocks everything but this moment. Her eyes are pleading with him to make it all stop for just a little while, so he pulls them both into the shower, setting out to do just that.

By the time he’s managed to chase the lost look from her eyes, the water has long gone cold. He rubs her through the towel, trying to give her some warmth, but her shivers still linger even when he’s wrapped around her in bed. 

Her back is to his chest and the arm that’s hugging her to him is clutched tightly within her hand, like she expects him to try and sneak away in the night.

“I’ve got you.” Jay presses a kiss to her shoulder, thankful when he feels her body relax slightly in his hold. He keeps saying the words, even though they are just in his head. 

Maybe if he thinks them enough, he can keep the nightmares at bay

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to thesunflowergarden letting me run things by you.


	2. Chapter 2

_ “Come on Tink...wake up.” Her brother is shaking her arm, trying to drag her from her sleep. Just as her eyes blink open, the sound of glass exploding off the wall somewhere downstairs, followed immediately by a scream, hits her ears.  _

_ “Are we going to Neverland?” She whispers her question as she pulls a sweatshirt over her nightgown.  _

_ “Yeah...it’s um...it’s bad.” Her brother steps towards her to adjust her collar for her and the street light through the window hits his face.  _

_ “Matty…” He’s bleeding. From his nose or lip...maybe both.  _

_ “It’s nothing. Come on.” He tugs her out of the room, nervously glancing over to the stairs to make sure their dad is still down there. When he’s certain they are clear, he quickly pulls open the hallway closet and pushes her down into the corner where the attic crawl space is. _

_ “Hurry!” She knocks her elbows off the exposed frame as she rushes to follow his orders.  _

_ “Pick up the fucking trash you worthless, stupid…” _

_ The rest of the shouting is thankfully cut off when he pulls the tiny crawl space door closed inside the closet. This is where they go. This is where, when they manage to escape, they stay safe. Neverland. He’s Pan and she is Tink. This is where all their adventures happen. Sometimes Neverland is on the roof just outside Matty’s window, but it’s raining tonight, so they have to be inside.  _

_ “Okay...where did we come back from?” The boy scratches at his arm, hoping it’s not a spider, because...well, she doesn’t like spiders and she would probably cry and give away their hiding spot. He uses the edge of his shirt to wipe the blood from his face as best he can, and then he turns on the tiny camping lantern he found for her.  _

_ “Mermaid Lagoon.” Her voice shakes as she answers. She hates the shouting and the dark, but she would take this place over the slaps and belt any day. _

_ “Right...right...come here.” He pulls her close to his side, keeping his arm tight around her, his voice blocking out the screams, and thankfully, the adventure begins. _

Hailey jolts awake from the dream. She hasn’t thought about that crawl space in years. Hasn’t thought about a single adventure her and her brother would go on to escape the horrors of her childhood.

They’d been inseparable. Matty and Hailey, Pan and Tink. He was five years and one day older than her. He held secret birthday parties for just the two of them. He never once told her to stop pestering him like their older brother Dean did. Matty would let her hang out with him for hours, letting her tag along most of the times he left the house. He was her hero, he kept her safe. Her favorite person in the whole world, and the time they spent hiding in that little space, was some of the best memories she has.

She hasn’t spoken to him in a long time...mostly her fault. He would know what’s going on back home. He would know why their mom would come to her thinking she would even care that their father was sick.

He’s got the answers, but she isn’t sure she wants to ask the questions. 

* * *

He’s alone when he wakes the next morning. He’d been expecting it, but the empty space next to him still bothers him. She said she wasn’t shutting him out, but it’s hard to not feel like she is. He tries not to think too much on it, knowing she’s a private person. All he can do is be there for her.

He finds her sitting at the table, staring at her phone. 

“How long have you been up?” Jay finally enters, moving to the cabinet to pull down two mugs for coffee.

“Not long. Just didn’t want to wake you.” Hailey thanks him quietly before she takes a sip of the coffee.

“Expecting a call?” Jay taps the table next to her phone.

Hailey takes another sip before she answers with a small shake of her head. She honestly hasn’t wrapped her mind around what she has to do yet.

“I have to call someone...and I don’t know how.” 

“Ahh...you’ve forgotten how to use your phone? It’s pretty simple. You just…”

Hailey lets out an exasperated laugh, smacking his hand from her phone. His lips are on hers in the next instant, and before she can respond, he’s already pulling back.

“There she is…” Jay tucks her hair behind her ear, smiling at her like she just appeared right this second.

“How do you do that? How do you know when I’m about to spiral before I do?’’ She smiles back at him in quiet wonder.

“Because I know you. Now...who do you have to call?” He nudges the phone back towards her, waiting for her to pick it up.

“I have to call my brother.” A brother she hasn’t spoken to in over three years. A brother who left her behind.

* * *

_ It’s three days past her 12th birthday, and one past his 17th. He’s been gone a lot lately, and she’s been left to hide by herself when their dad would get mad. She heard his bedroom door open a couple of minutes ago, and she had to force herself not to run in straight away.  _

_ She sits on her bed, waiting for the clock to show that ten minutes have gone by, and then she hops off and heads to his room. _

_ “Matty?” His door is open slightly, so she pushes it the rest of the way open, stopping short at the sight in front of her. _

_ All the drawers of his dresser are pulled open and emptied, the clothes piled haphazardly into a large duffle. And if the bags at his feet didn’t give it away, the guilty look that crosses his face would. He’s leaving. _

_ “What are you doing?” He can’t leave her here. Not with them...not alone. _

_ “I’m sorry, Tink. I…”  _

_ “I’ll come with you. I’ll...just let me pack a bag and I can go with you.” She starts to turn, trying to get to her room so she can gather some things, but he grabs her hand, stopping her. _

_ “I can’t take you with me.” That face...that’s the reason he wanted to do this while she was out. He’s got a letter already written telling her goodbye.  _

_ “Please don’t do this. Please…” Her breath hitches and she knows she is going to cry. She jerks back when he reaches for her. She already knows the next words out of his mouth aren’t going to be what she wants to hear. _

_ “I have to leave. I would take you with me...I swear I would, but I don’t have the money to take care of you too.” Matty zips the large bag, shouldering it and lifting the two smaller ones.  _

_ “I’ll come back for you. I promise...I promise.”  _

_ She hates him. In this moment, she hates him for leaving her behind. She hates him for doing the one thing they always talked about. Escaping...He’s getting out, but unlike all their plans, he’s not taking her with him. So she ignores the tears in his eyes, tugging her hand free from his. One deep breath helps get her emotions back under control, and then as calmly as she can, tells him goodbye.  _

* * *

Hailey pushes that memory to the back of her mind. She doesn’t want to get sucked down that hole again right now, she can’t.

She’s in the living room while Jay has gone into the bedroom to change for work, and she can’t seem to make herself call her brother. The last time she had seen him, a couple of years ago, had been awkward and strained. It had just been easier to avoid him, to avoid everyone, really. All three of the Upton children have handled their childhood traumas differently. Dean, the oldest, chose to ignore what happened, and as far she knows, still works with her parents at their diner. Matthew, he was close to their mom, but refused to speak to their father. He still holds onto the hope that one day, his mom will want out, and he’s going to be there for her when that day comes. Hailey had chosen the most extreme path. She cut herself off from her family completely. Aside from the brief interactions with Matthew, she speaks to no one. Not Dean, not her mother, and she will never speak to her father if she can help it.

She lets out a sound of frustration, tipping her head back against the couch. If she’s going to call him, she needs to do it now, before Jay comes back in and she chickens out. It takes her a second to scroll through her contact list, stopping on his name. Matthew. That’s all it says. No hint at all that this was once someone she idolized.

She listens as it rings. Once, twice...by the fourth ring, she’s certain he isn’t going to answer, and she feels relieved. It means she can put off talking to him a little while longer.

“Hello?” He answers just before she is about to end the call and his voice sounds breathless, startling her. 

“Hailey? You there?” Hearing his voice will always take her back to the stories he used to make up for her, to Neverland, but she closes her eyes against the memories.

“Hey...yeah, I’m here.” Sitting up again, she pulls her legs up in front of her. “What’s going on? Mom came to see me…” She cuts right to the chase, there’s no point in small talk.

“Yeah...I uh, thought you would’ve called last night. Mom said it didn’t go well.”

“How was it supposed to go? Am I supposed to care that he’s sick? Because I don’t.” It probably makes her sound like the worst kind of person, but honestly...she’d be lying if she said she never thought about him being gone from her life for good. 

“Did she tell you that he’s dying? They spend most of their time at the hospital so he can get dialysis.” She can hear him pause, shuffling things around, maybe moving somewhere else. 

“She’s going to ask you to give him a kidney. That’s what she wants.”

“A kidney? Is this some kind of joke?” She has to stand now, pacing about the living room in anger. “Why doesn’t she ask Dean? Last I checked, he and dad were practically joined at the hip.” She can’t hide the bitterness in her voice. Dean had been 8 years older than Hailey, and had gotten the most time with their dad as just a normal father. He’d gotten the years before he turned to alcohol and started hitting them. Dean wasn’t completely untouched by it, but because he was so much older when it started, he knew to be gone as much as he could. He’d just left her and Matty to fend for themselves. There was no connection there.

“Apparently dad has been on the transplant list for almost a year. They haven’t found a donor yet, and he’s running out of time. And Dean has high blood pressure so he can’t donate.” There’s more shuffling on his end of the phone and then he speaks again.

“Look...I’m a little tied up at the moment with work, but maybe we could...maybe we could meet for lunch or something? Talk in person?” There’s a hopeful quality to his voice that tries to chip away at the walls she’s got up. 

“Come on, Tink…”

“Don’t call me that.” She had wanted it to sound hard, like she meant it, but it comes off more resigned than anything. She’s going to agree, and he knows it.

“Just text me and I’ll see if I can get away, okay?” Not a promise, but it’s not a no either. It’s the best she can offer him.

“Okay. I will...and Hailey?” He waits for her to respond, but she’s silent. The only reason he knows she hasn’t hung up yet is because he can still hear her breathing.

“I’m...really glad you called.” Maybe it’s in his head, but he’s pretty sure he heard her say me too, just before the line went dead. It was probably wishful thinking though.

* * *

In the truck on the drive into the district, Jay doesn’t talk to her. She had seemed a little shaken after the phone call she made. He should probably tell her that he overheard the majority of her conversation, but he really doesn’t want her more upset than she already is. 

He can imagine what she has got going on in her head. The decision she’s currently faced with is a difficult one to make even for people without her family dynamics. He can’t say for certain what he would do if the roles were reversed.

“I may be heading out for lunch today. Just...in case you see me ducking out or something…” Like yesterday, she expects him to ask questions, but they never come. Instead, he looks her way quickly, giving her what she now knows is a smile he keeps just for her. She smiles back when his fingers tangle with hers and the feeling of warmth and love when he kisses their joined hands is something she doesn’t think she will ever get used to.

Before she is ready, they are pulling into the parking lot, and she reluctantly lets go of his hand. They sit for a second after he turns the truck off, and she feels the heat of his gaze on the side of her face. She knows he wants to tell her something...probably something to remind her that he is here for her, but she speaks before he can.

“So, there’s something I want to tell you…” Her eyes stay straight ahead. “I’m pretty sure you know, but um...I think the coming days and weeks might be a little rough for me, and I might say...or do some things that I don’t really mean.” She pauses, finally looking over at him, and the patience and understanding in his eyes settles her some. She was right... _ he knows. _

“I love you.” The words echo around the truck cab while she waits for him to say something. She still waits, even when his hand curves around the back of her neck and he tugs her slowly towards him. The kiss he gives her is unlike any of the kisses they’ve shared before. It feels like he is pouring everything he wants to say to her into it. Her breath shakes out when he pulls back, resting his forehead against hers.

“I knew that, but thank you, for giving me the words.” His fingers tighten on her neck slightly when he kisses her again, short this time, and he waits for her to open her eyes.

“I love you too, you know? And...for the record, I think it’s incredibly rude of you to have this conversation right now when you know there’s not a damn thing I can do to prove how much I mean it.” He looks over at across the sheet after stepping out of the truck and watches as a mischievous little grin forms on her mouth.

“What?” He slides his badge and phone onto his belt as he questions her.

“I won’t stop you from proving it later tonight.” Her laugh rings out when he groans in clear frustration. He’s not wrong...telling him now, when they clearly couldn’t do anything was kind of cruel, but it had made her feel better. She’s not magically fixed, and she’s sure that she will do something that will hurt him, but telling him felt good...right. She can only hope that if she does intentionally try to sabotage this, that he remembers this conversation. 

She’s going to need him...even if she ends up pushing him away.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

_ “You’re late…”  _

_ Hailey takes a slow breath in, trying to squash the fear his voice always causes. _

_ “You hard of hearing? I said you’re late.” She steps into the living room keeping her backpack and shoes on just in case she needs to run. _

_ “I’m sorry. Practice ran long today and I missed…” _

_ “Does it look like I care about your excuses?” She watches as he pushes up from the chair, stalking towards her. Her body is screaming at her to move, but she’s rooted to the spot. Her whole body tenses as he gets closer. He’s going to hit her...slap her...maybe shove her back so her head knocks off the wall. _

_ “Oh...Hailey, you’re home. How was practice?” Her mom comes down the steps sporting a split lip and a poorly covered bruised cheek.  _

_ “You knew she was gonna be late?” Her dad turns on her mom, gripping her arm tight enough to add yet another mark to her skin. _

_ “It was my fault…” She doesn’t see it coming. It happens so quickly that if it weren’t for the burning sting and taste of blood in her mouth, she wouldn’t even have known he struck her. His backhand was his favorite method. Dramatic and effective. _

_ “You speak when I tell you.” He turns his back to her and drags her mom into the kitchen where she can hear him shove her against the wall.  _

_ Hailey stands there listening as her mom makes apologies and promises to do better, while her dad opens another beer. It won’t ever end. Staying here means repeating the same vicious cycle over and over again, and that’s not okay with her. Everyone else left...why shouldn’t she?  _

_ With one last glance towards the kitchen, she quietly opens the front door and steps out onto the porch. Maybe it was time to find Matty. _

* * *

“Hey…” Jay catches up to Hailey just before she walks out of the building. She’s a couple of cars away from her Jeep. They went to pick it up while they grabbed lunch so she’d be able to drive tonight if she needed to.

“It’s just dinner, Jay. I can handle it.” Hailey lets out a frustrated breath as she scans the parking lot. When she’s certain no one is around, she steps closer to him. Her lunch plans with her brother had gotten pushed back, and now with everyone going home for the day, she wants to be sure they are alone. 

“I know. I just wanted to tell you that you can call me...or text if you need me to come get you. And uh…” His hands fidget at his sides, unsure of how to proceed.

“Just spit it out. What?” When his eyes go a little hurt, she shuts her own, reigning in her frustration.

“I um...Look, I heard your phone call this morning.” His eyes are full of apologies as he looks at her. “I wasn’t eavesdropping...your new apartment is just...a lot smaller than your last one and your voice carried.”

“Okay.” She should say more, but she isn’t sure what. She’s still trying to process everything, and she doesn’t even know all of it yet.

“I’m sorry. I know you would have told me when you were ready, but maybe this way...maybe it’ll be better this way. Easier for you. Now that I know, I mean. You can just focus on this thing with your family and fill me in when you want to.” His hands tighten into fists in his pocket, fighting the urge to pull her against him. 

“I...have to go.” Hurrying past the cars, she tries to ignore the heat of his gaze on her back, but then she stops, looking over the top of her hood at him. She’s not mad at him. She’s mad at her family...well, her mom and dad, anyway. 

“Jay?” She waits a moment for him to respond, but he only stares at her. “Will I see you tonight?” 

He could ask her if that’s what she wants, but the fact that she asked at all was a pretty big deal. It would have been easier for her to just drive away, but she had made the effort to keep things okay between them.

“Yeah, my place?” His smile grows when she nods back at him, her shoulders sagging with relief. 

“See you later.” He watches as she climbs inside her car, before she pulls out of the parking lot, turning to the right. He can tell that his worrying over her is not something she wants, but he can’t help it.

* * *

By the time she gets to the restaurant, she’s pretty sure she is ready to get this over with. She had given herself a pretty big pep talk on the way here and if she can just stand her ground and keep her cool, she will make it through this.

“Hailey?” Her shoulders tense at the voice from behind her and she turns slowly to face it.

“Hi.” The same dirty blonde hair and blue eyes stare back at her. The feeling of loss and regret wash over her and like always when she sees him now, she wishes she had spoken up back then. She wishes she would have explained her reactions that night, but she hadn’t. She’d held onto the hope that he would come back for her even through the anger she felt when he left her behind, and when he did finally reappear...it’s safe to say that it wasn’t the reunion she had longed for.

* * *

_ She didn’t think this through. The thought keeps rolling around in her head as she sits at the bus stop. She has nowhere to go and she tried calling Matty, but he hasn’t answered a single call or text she left over the last couple of hours. She’s tired and hungry and the only thing stopping her from curling up on the bench and falling asleep is the unknown.  _

_ She’s not stupid...she knows what could happen to a teen out on the streets at this hour in Chicago. She doesn’t want to leave one nightmare only to wind up in another one.  _

_ Maybe if she had real friends, she would be able to stay with them for a few days until she figured things out, but keeping a secret as big what she was living through didn’t help with making friends. Sure, she talks to the girls on her soccer team, but she certainly wouldn’t call them friends.  _

_ Her cell phone rings a second later and after seeing that it’s finally Matty, she answers. _

_ “Hello?” _

_ “Tink?” At the mere mention of the nickname, she loses the tiny shred of control she’d been hanging onto. Her chest heaves with the force of her sobs the entire time her brother is trying to get her to talk. She’s been sitting here...alone, for hours and now with the possibility of getting somewhere safe, she can’t help but let the relief out. _

_ “Sorry...I’m...sorry…” She manages to choke the words out between the sobs and harsh breaths she sucks in. _

_ “It’s okay...whatever it is...it’s okay. Just talk to me.”  _

_ Hailey takes a second to try and get herself under control, wiping the snot and tears on the sleeve of her shirt. “I don’t...I have nowhere to go. You said you’d come back for me but you didn’t and I can’t stay there anymore...I can’t.”  _

_ “What do you mean you have nowhere to go? Where are you right now?” She can tell he’s panicking so she hurries to rattle off the bus stop she’s at. _

_ “Stay there. I’m coming, okay? Just stay there, Tink.”  _

_ It takes less than half an hour for him to get to her, and if she had known what was about to happen, she might have tried to clean herself up some. She would have remembered that her face and tshirt were smeared with blood, but she hadn’t.  _

_ It’s the first thing he sees when he gets to her, the blood, and then his vision goes hazy. He doesn’t remember telling her to get into his car, or the drive to their parents house, or the way she had sat shaking in the seat next to him. _

_ “Stay in the car.”  _

_ “Matty?” She can’t help the fear that creeps into her words. He just pulled a gun from the glove compartment.  _

_ “It’s going to be okay.” And then he’s gone. All she can do is sit in her seat and watch as he walks up the sidewalk and without knocking, barges into the house. She doesn’t hear anything, but can see the lights flick on upstairs and suddenly she’s scared for him. Scared for what Matty might do.  _

_ For the first time in her life, she doesn’t follow his orders, but by the time she reaches him in the upstairs hallway, she wishes she had. There, at the end of the hall, just outside their parents room, is Matty. He’s got the gun pressed under their dad’s chin and their mom is crying from inside the bedroom. _

_ “Matty please stop.” _

_ “Stop talking, just stop.” Hailey is frozen on the steps in equal parts of shock and fear. It’s the first time she’s seen her brother like this...like their dad. _

_ “If you ever, EVER, lay a hand on her again, I will kill you. Do you understand? I’m not afraid of you anymore, and if you touch her again, I promise you, you’ll regret it.” Even his voice sounds different to her ears...harder, meaner. This isn’t Pan. This isn’t Matty. She must make a sound because they both are suddenly looking at her, and their mom is rushing from the bedroom towards her. _

_ “Hailey, tell him. Tell him it was an accident. Tell him you got hurt at practice. Please...stop this, tell him the truth.” Hailey stares back at her mom, wondering if she’s completely lost it. Matty already knows the truth. It’s what he grew up with too. She is about to tell her that but then she looks past her at Matty and her dad. She knows the fear in her dad's eyes. It’s the same look she gets in her own when he starts on her, only this time, Matty was the cause.  _

_ “It was just an accident. I fell at practice.” The lies tumble from her lips as they have a hundred times before. She doesn’t know who this person is. She had thought Matty would save her, but she was wrong. _

_ She would never escape this. _

* * *

As expected, dinner is filled with bouts of painful silence and awkward conversation. He asks her about work and he tells her he’s proud of what she made of herself. She finds out that his long time girlfriend, who refuses to get married, is pregnant and Hailey hopes she masks the pang of sadness that hits her. She’s going to be an aunt.  _ Would she be involved in their life? _

“Are you ready to talk about it?” Her eyes focus on his face again and she finds him staring at her patiently.

No...she’s not, but she only nods her head, letting him know he can begin.

“Okay, before I get too into what’s been going on with mom and dad, I want you to know that I am not here to pressure you...in any way. It’s your decision, okay?” 

All she can do is nod. She isn’t entirely sure that he couldn’t talk her into giving a kidney if that’s what he really wanted. Even after all this time, she’d probably do it if he asked her.

“Right...well, I guess you wouldn’t know much about what’s been going on with mom and dad over the last couple of years.” He stops, ready with an apology for the unintentional dig, but when she only holds her hand up, stopping him from doing so, he continues. “Dad was diagnosed with Type II diabetes almost five years ago now. Mom said he ignored the symptoms for months, so when he finally got around to seeing his doctor, he was already in the early stages of kidney failure. They managed it for a while with medication, but then he got pretty sick and the medications stopped working. He’s at the clinic three days a week for at least three hours every time he goes. I guess...mom said the toxins in his blood are building up faster than they can remove them and if he doesn’t get a kidney, he most likely won’t make it through August.”

That’s five months from now.  _ Fuck...this isn’t what she wants to be dealing with right now.  _ “What about you? You said Dean can’t give him one because of his blood pressure, but what about you?” 

“I got my test results back last week, but I’m not a match…”

A laugh that borders on hysterical, bursts from her. This is unbelievable… “So it’s up to me? His life is literally in my hands?” With another laugh, she stands from the table, leaving him staring after her as she walks out.

“Hailey, wait.” Matty runs after her, only stopping after he’s in front of her. 

“Would you do it? If you were a match, would you do it?” What would he do? She swallows against the tears that threaten, watching as he debates her question. Just as she's about to walk away, ready to get away from...this, he finally answers. 

“I honestly don’t know. I think...maybe I would...for mom, but I don’t know.” He isn’t sure there’s a right answer here because no matter what, someone loses. There’s tears in her eyes, and like they always used to, they gut him. He hates to see her in pain, and he’d still do anything to take it from her, so that's what he does.

“Hey…” His hand shakes a little as he reaches for hers, squeezing it gently in his. “You don’t have to do this. I told mom I’d talk to you, and I did. This isn’t on you…”

“Isn’t it?” She tugs her hand from his so she can shove them into her pockets. “Matty...I’ve spent my whole life worrying that I’ll become him. That I’ll let the anger inside me win and I’ll be just like dad...and now this? If I go through with it...if it turns out I’m a match, and I do this, he wins...and if I choose not to, he still wins, because I’ll be just like him. Choosing to hurt someone just because I can…” Her breath hitches on a tiny sob that she somehow manages to suppress.

“No. That’s not what this is. You can say no, Tin...Hailey. You can, and no one but dad would fault you for that. No one who knows what we grew up with would say you were the same as him.” He pretends not to notice the tears that begin to fall silently down her cheeks. 

“Just think about it, and when you’ve made up your mind, give me a call, okay?” Without thinking too much on it, he steps towards her, ignoring the rigid set of her body, and pulls her into a hug. He holds her tight even as she struggles, desperate to make her see that he’s still the Matty she used to love. The brother who used to take her away from the scary stuff. Then he feels it. The moment she stops fighting. Her hands move from her pockets to his side to grip the fabric of his jacket tightly and it feels like he’s waited a lifetime to give her this hug. 

“I don’t know what to do.” Her face is pressed into his shoulder, and he can just make out her saying that this is so unfair.

“Come on, Tink...when has life ever been fair to us?” His thumbs swipe at the few tears that remain on her cheeks when he steps back from her. 

“I’m serious. You don’t need to decide anything right this second. Go home...sleep on it, okay?” After yet another nod, he tells her goodnight and walks with her towards the street. They are almost to her car when a thought occurs to him.

“Do you...Hailey...is there someone you can talk to about all this?” He doesn’t want her trying to deal with this all alone. 

“Yeah...I’ve got someone.” A half smile appears as she thinks about Jay. He’s her  _ someone _ , the person she wants to be with right now.

“Good...that’s good. I’ll uh...I guess I’ll talk to you.” He gives her an awkward wave before turning towards his car. Things could have gone a lot worse than they did, he knows that, but he really couldn’t care right now. This was a huge step for them. When he stood back from hugging her, he thought for sure she would have that same terrified look in her eyes from that night on the steps, but she hadn’t. Instead, she looked at him with something close to hope...hope, that he would help her make this decision. Hope, that maybe she wouldn’t even be a match like he wasn’t. Hope, that maybe things were finally righting themselves between them. 

Whatever it was, he liked it more than the way she looked at him since that night. This was a step in the right direction and that was a good enough start for him.

* * *

He can see her mind working a hundred miles a minute and he’s never felt more useless. When he opened the door for her a little while ago, she brushed past him with a quick touch to his arm and went straight for his whiskey. Never a good sign. She doesn’t seem to be in the mood to talk and honestly, he’s a little afraid of talking himself. He understands better than most the need to protect yourself and he’s pretty sure that Hailey’s method of protection is going to include pushing him away. Even being prepared for it, it still stings.

“Are you just going to sit over there and watch me? Because I can think of a bunch of better ways I’d want your eyes on me, Jay...and none of them involve that look of pity.” 

“Hailey…”

“Stop! Just stop…” The liquid in her glass sloshes over the side as she stands, glaring right back at him. “This…” Her finger motions between the two of them as she starts. “This right here is why I don’t want to tell you what’s going on. Why telling anyone is so damn hard…” She turns her back on him, downing the entire drink in one go. She shouldn’t have come here. This was a mistake.

Jay doesn’t try to talk again. He only moves to the table, pulling the whiskey away from her before she can pour another glass. He turns back to grab her glass, setting it in the sink before he looks back at her. Her breathing is loud, like she’s fully prepared to have an argument with him, but he’s not about to engage in that. It might be what she wants right now, but it isn’t what she needs. 

Instead, he steps past her into the hall, reaching back to flick the kitchen light off. “I’m...going to bed. You coming?” 

She wanted to fight. To shout at him and make him feel a fraction of what she was feeling, but this would work too. She looks at his hand stretched out to her, waiting and yeah...the bed she can do. So she slides her hand into his and follows him down the hall to his room.

Barely a step inside the door, she attacks him. Her hands grip the back of his neck as her mouth slants over his and she takes from him what she needs. His hands are gentle against her back, a sharp contrast to the way hers are digging, pulling the short hairs at his neck. 

Jay lets her have this control. He wishes she would just talk to him, but if she isn’t going to, then he’d rather her use him as a distraction than alcohol. He doesn’t fight her as she tugs them both towards the bed, catching himself on one hand to stop from falling on top of her.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knows this is wrong. That using his body and sex to avoid the issue won’t work forever, but even with that thought, she’s pulling his shirt off to drag her fingers over the muscles of his back.

He’s still letting her control this, but his mouth moves from her lips to her throat and the sound she lets out makes his fingers flex on her skin. He laughs softly against her collarbone when he feels her hands pressing on his shoulders. For how much Hailey struggles with telling him things, she’s never had any problems telling him what she needs in the bedroom. 

His mouth trails down her body, stopping at her stomach where her shirt is lifted slightly and he nips at the skin just above her jeans. She lets out another sound, but this one has him pausing, his fingers stilling on the snap of her jeans.

“Hailey?” Jay lifts his head to check in with her and what he sees breaks his heart. Her eyes are pinched shut in a poor attempt to stop the tears he can see slipping from the corner of her eyes and into her hair.

He’s by her side, pulling her against his chest in an instant. She’s not making a sound, but from the shake of her body, and the growing damp spot on his chest, he can tell she’s still crying. His hand strokes slowly from the back of her head down to her lower back and then he starts again. Over and over his hand moves as he whispers that he’s got her. 

When her breathing evens out and he’s pretty sure she fell asleep, he turns, lowering her down on the bed. He almost has her jeans off when she stirs.

“What if I didn’t do it?” Take the test, let Matty back in...tell Jay everything...any of it? Her throat feels tight from choking back sobs and through puffy eyes, she tries to gauge his reaction, tries to see if he thinks she’s a monster.

The question takes him by surprise, that’s for sure. He wonders if she already made up her mind. He doesn’t answer right away, waiting until his own jeans are off and climbs back in beside her. 

“I think...that you need to be able to live with whatever decision you make.” He reaches for her hand, turning it over to trace the lines of her palm. “After my dad died…”

“This isn’t like that. They aren’t the same.” She tries to keep the anger out of her voice as she sits up, but he doesn’t let her pull her hand free.

“Hey…” He tips her face towards him. “That’s not what I was trying to say. Regret is an awful thing to carry with you, Hailey. That’s all I wanted to tell you.” He isn’t sure if she expects him to say more or not, but after a couple more seconds of staring at him, she finally lays her head down on his shoulder, the fingers of her right hand moving across his chest before settling over his heart.

She isn’t being fair to him. Keeping these things from him...how can she expect him to understand what she’s thinking if he doesn’t know the whole story? 

“I can hear your mind working. Go to sleep.” Jay pulls her tighter against him, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead. 

He was right...again. Her problems would still be there tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

“You are going to like it, I promise.” Jay pulls the truck into the nearly empty lot of the rundown sports complex and shuts the engine off before looking over at Hailey. It’s been a week since she met with her brother, and this is the first night off they’ve had since then.

“I’m not worried about liking it, I just don’t understand why we’re here.” He’s been so patient with her these past couple of days, which she appreciates, but if she had known this was where they were going to end up tonight, she would have told him no.

“Just trust me, yeah?” With a quick wink in her direction, Jay exits the truck, linking his fingers with hers as they enter the building.

“Halstead! It’s good to see you, man.” 

“Hey, Russ. Thanks again for keeping the place open for us.” Jay shakes the kid’s hand, quickly introducing Hailey to him.

“I did basic with his older brother, Dillon.” Jay leaves out that Dillon died overseas. He wasn’t in the same unit after being given their assignments, but they’d been friends. Jay had kept in touch with Russ over the years.

“Right, well...I set up cage 2 for you guys and the equipment room is unlocked so you can grab what you need. You gotta wear helmets, but they’re cleaned, don't worry. Did them myself.” 

“Thanks. You sure you’re okay with me locking up?” After Russ says it’s fine, he rushes out, leaving Jay and Hailey alone.

“Come on. We need helmets and a bat for us.” Jay takes her hand again, pulling her towards the equipment closet before she can protest.

“Why do I feel like you’re either about to talk me out of my pants, or tell me you’re some sort of secret serial killer?” She’s not sure if it’s the dark that makes her shiver or if this room is actually cold, but she pulls her jacket a little tighter around herself.

“Please...you and I both know I’m too queasy to be a serial killer, and…” He places the helmet he grabbed for her on top of her head, crowding her space some. “I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have to try very hard to get you out of those pants.” Kissing her with the helmet on is a little tricky, but after tipping her head back, he manages. He smirks against her lips when he feels her press closer to him, letting out a breathy moan.

“Told you…” He pulls back with a smile, stepping away from her.

“Jerk…” She punches his arm playfully, following him out of the room.

“Yeah, but you love me.” He meant it jokingly, but then he realizes that neither of them has said those words again since that morning in his truck. He’s not sure what he wants her to say, but as he’s come to know from her, she completely surprises him.

“Of course I do...which is why I’m humoring you right now.” She says it in passing, brushing past him to enter the cage, but she barely makes it three steps before he tugs her back to him, turning her to face him in the process.

“What?” Her head is tipped back to see him, but he’s just looking down at her with a goofy grin on his face.

“Nothing...just wanted to look at you when I tell you I love you too.” He dips his head, taking the helmet off and letting it drop to the floor, pressing his lips to hers again. 

“Mmm, Jay…?” Even though stopping is the last thing she wants to do, she’s pretty sure this wasn’t the reason he brought her to the batting cages. It takes a couple of seconds for him to stop, but he’s picking her helmet up off the ground and apologizing quickly.

“Sorry...got carried away there...right, batting cages. When I was younger, like 15/16 years old, my friend's dad owned the batting cages where I lived. He’d let us use them all the time, but I really started going there after my mom got sick. I’d just come in and swing and swing until I was too tired to be angry anymore. It helped for a little while.” After checking that the ball speed wasn’t too high, Jay moves Hailey into the proper position next to the plate. “Maybe it’ll work for you too.” He doesn’t want this to be about him, so before she can ask him about it, he quickly goes over how to start the machine and how much time between pitches there will be.

“Is it going to be fast?” Hailey looks through the cage at him on the other side. Honestly, she’s a little nervous. She never played softball or baseball growing up, and the idea of a hard ball flying towards her face isn’t very appealing. Sure, she is athletic, but she’s more of a runner if anything. Add a ball at her feet, and she would really be in her element. She just hopes he knows what he’s doing.

“It’s set to slow-pitch right now. That’s 35 mph. You’ll be fine. Just keep your eye on the ball.” He gives her a reassuring smile and steps back a little as she presses the start button. 

“Oh my God!” Hailey lets out the closest thing to a scream he’s ever heard from her, and he can’t stop the laughter that rolls out of him.

“No...nope. I’m not doing this.” She slaps the stop button before the next pitch is released, and makes to step out of the cage, but Jay is already there with his helmet on.

“Just...hang on a sec, okay? Give it a couple of pitches. Come on. I’ll show you how.” Jay pulls her back to home plate, stepping up behind her, his body wrapping around her. “I’m gonna hit the switch, and you just let me do the swing. All you have to do is stand here until you get the feel of it.” Using the bat to press start, Jay places his hands over Hailey’s and pulls the bat back over her left shoulder. 

He feels her tense when the ball is released, but she doesn’t try to move away. She gives him a little resistance as he swings the bat, but he still manages to connect with the ball, sending it flying into the side of the cage.

“We were late...widen your feet a bit, and let me move you.” He feels her nod a moment before the next ball is released, and this time, the ball hits squarely in the middle of the barrel. 

She’d jump in excitement if it weren’t for Jay’s body keeping her in place, and then she doesn’t have time because the next ball is flying towards them. She can feel Jay giving her more control, and even though she swung a little early, she still tips the ball.

“Okay...ready to give it a go by yourself?” He’s already moving towards the gate, shutting it behind him and stands on the other side of the fencing. 

“I’ll try.” When she swings this time, she misses completely, but she quickly resets and waits for the next pitch.

“Let your anger out, Hailey, and crush it.” With each pitch that follows, she swings, breathing out with the force. He can see she’s getting into it. Her exhales start to sound more and more like words until he realizes that she’s saying something each time the ball hits the bat.

“Stupid...I hate you...Worthless...whining brat...I hate you...idiot...invisible…” Pitch after pitch she lets the words out, and he just watches her. He hadn’t been sure it would help her, but he’d wanted to try. He’s glad he did. He waits until the last ball is thrown before he steps back into the cage with her. The bat is resting at her feet, her head tilted down, and her harsh breathing fills the space.

“Hailey?” Aside from dropping the bat, she hasn’t moved. He’s afraid to startle her.

“I hate him.” With the sleeve of her shirt, Hailey wipes her face before she turns to face Jay. “I hate him so much, Jay.” There’s no resistance as he pulls her into a tight hug. Her head tucks under his chin as soon as he flips the helmet off.

“You’re allowed to hate him. Honestly...Whatever you’re feeling is okay.” His fingers massage her neck, her body relaxing a little more with each minute that passes.

“I think...I think I’m going to get tested.” She can feel his body tense slightly, like he’s about to question her so she hurries to explain her decision. “I hate him, and I know it sounds terrible, but I don’t care if he dies...I just...don’t want to be the  _ reason _ he dies. Does that make sense?” She searches his eyes, hoping he gets it...gets her.

“It makes sense, Hailey. Whatever you choose, I’ll be here for you, no matter what.” He presses a soft kiss to her forehead, smiling when she tells him she wants another go. He was correct in thinking that she would pick it up quickly, she’s a natural, and the fact that she looks extremely sexy swinging that bat… _ definitely a bonus. _

* * *

“That was so good. Best pasta ever.” After setting her bowl down on the coffee table, Hailey leans back against the couch, shutting her eyes. Overall, tonight was a good night. She enjoyed the batting cages, and she especially liked the way Jay took every opportunity to have his hands on her. After the first round, Jay had upped the speed some and once again stood behind her at the plate to help her out. The feel of his body behind her had been so distracting that she shooed him from the cage.

“My mom always said that part of growing up and being an adult was learning how to make the perfect sauce. It’s the first thing I remember learning how to cook with her.” Jay smiles, thinking back on the memory. He’d been eight. He and Will had spent an entire Sunday morning over the stove with their mom.

“That’s sweet, Jay. I can see you studying every move she made. You were probably a little perfectionist back then too.” 

“Your mom ever teach you any cool recipes?” He regrets the question immediately, but instead of taking it back, he lets his arm reach out across the back of his couch to touch the ends of her hair, letting the moment play out.

She pauses, a sad sort of distant look crossing her features. How is she supposed to answer that? Thinking it over, she chooses instead to gather the bowls and take them into his kitchen. Aside from some of the dishes she’d learned from one of the cooks at the diner, any meals she knows how to make, she taught herself.

“I wasn’t trying to pry…” Jay enters behind her, grabbing a dish towel to dry the bowls as she washes them.

“I know.” She does. Even only wanting to help her, he’s always just been there. Ready to step in when she needs him, but he never pushes. 

“My mom taught me other things.” After handing him the last bowl, she leans back against the counter, watching him set the bowls away. “She told me how to lie to the social workers that would come to the hospital after one too many trips to the ER. She taught me how to use makeup. By the time I was ten, I could blend foundation to cover almost all my bruises.”

“Jesus, Hailey…” 

“You know what she never taught me, though? She never once taught me how to protect myself from him. If Matty hadn’t been there, I’m not sure I would have survived.” She’s not exaggerating. She’d been tiny her whole life. It’s partly why Matty called her Tink. She’d reminded him of a fairy. Without Matty there, she’s pretty sure the full brunt of her dad's anger would have killed her.

“I know it’s not what you want me to say, but I’m sorry, Hailey. I’m so sorry that was your life.” All he can offer her is a sad smile. He hates thinking about Hailey as a child growing up that way.

“It uh...it was what it was. I didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to be like that, you know? I thought that’s how all dads were.” She remembers the first sleepover she went to when she was nine and her friend Lizzie spilled an entire pitcher of Kool-Aid. Hailey had ducked under the table, certain that Lizzie's dad was going to lose it on her. She had been totally surprised when Mr. Heller didn’t even shout at her. He simply grabbed a towel to wipe it up and told Lizzie to be more careful next time. That was it. That’s when she realized the way her father treated her wasn’t normal.

“I’m glad you had Matty.” He knows there is more to the story, so he stays put on his side of the counter, waiting for her to go on.

“Matty was...He was my hero. I loved him like only a child could love someone...with my whole heart...I worshiped him. He used to hide us in this little space inside the closet when things got really bad, or he’d take us up on the roof outside his room and he’d tell me stories until the yelling and hitting stopped. Most of the time I fell asleep before then though. He’d just watch over me. We uh...we had to plan to run away, but he left when I was twelve. He just left me there…” She stops now, swiping roughly at the few tears that escape. She had been so afraid to tell him things about her past, but now things just seem to keep pouring out. It takes a minute to collect herself, but she manages to stop the rest of the tears from falling.

“I didn’t think it could get worse but I was wrong. After Matty left I learned very quickly how to stay out of the way by myself, and then about four years later he came back, but I didn’t go with him.” She isn’t ready to tell that story yet. The two years she’d been at home after  _ that _ night were horrible in a completely different way. “I was invisible...alone. My mom and dad, they acted like I wasn’t even there. I used to wish that he’d stop hitting me and just leave me alone and suddenly that’s what was happening, but I had no one. For two years I just...didn’t exist to them.” 

If Jay had any doubt about his feelings for Hailey’s mom and dad, they were completely gone now. They were horrible people who almost succeeded in squashing the light right out of this incredible woman in front of him.

“Come ‘ere.” Her whole body shudders when he wraps his arms around her, but she doesn’t cry. “Thank you for letting me in. For telling me.” His chin rests on top of her head as he holds her tightly. She stays in his arms like that for a while, taking the comfort he gives to her.

* * *

_ Don’t pass out...don’t throw up... _ Jay repeats the words in his head like a prayer. Over and over again he tries to keep himself calm for her. After deciding to see if she was even a viable match for her father last week, she was taking the first step today. Like the good guy that he was, he refused to let Hailey go alone, and now he’s paying the price.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” 

Hailey looks over at Jay, who looks a little green. He’d refused to wait in the lobby but now, she’s pretty sure he’s going to pass out on her. 

“I’m good.” His hand tightens around her fingers, but who is getting comfort right now, he doesn’t know. He wanted to be there for her. To be by her side throughout this whole thing, but yeah...he hates hospitals. More importantly, he hates needles.

The doctor had come in, ready to take the blood, but then had to step out of the room for a moment, leaving the tray with the needle and tube out. It’s all he can look at.

“Jay? Hey, look at me.” Hailey trails her fingers across his jaw when he finally locks his gaze on her, and she gives him a smile. “If you throw up, I’ll never let you live it down.” She succeeds in breaking into his thoughts. Her laugh mixes with his slightly shocked one, and then he’s leaning towards her, planting a kiss on her lips.

“All right, are we ready?” The doctor enters the room, quickly washing her hands and donning a pair of blue gloves. If possible, Jay goes even paler when Hailey takes off her flannel so the doctor can get to her arm. She goes over the procedure while she preps the crease of Hailey’s right arm. 

From start to finish, the whole thing takes less than 15 minutes, and when Hailey hops off the small exam table, she has to bite back a chuckle at how fast Jay tosses her shirt and coat to her. She’s certain that if his hands weren’t shaking, he would have hurried to button the flannel up as well. She has to practically run to keep from falling as he pulls her towards the exit of the building.

As soon as they are outside, Jay stops, which causes Hailey to slam into his back. The only reason she doesn’t crash to the floor backward is the fact that her hand is still gripped in his. When she regains her balance, her free hand smooths up his back in comfort as he stands there, breathing slowly. She’d call him a baby if she didn’t know that his fear was real. 

“Sorry..” He gives her a weak smile. Already he can feel his heart rate slowing, even just steps outside the hospital. He might have to find another way to be there for her through this.

“It’s okay. Don’t apologize. You uh...need me to drive?” She looks at him with a hopeful smile, eyes sparkling with laughter.

“Keep dreaming, Upton.” Feeling marginally better now, he pulls her into his side as they start for the truck. “It was a nice try. If you had asked me that inside, you might have actually succeeded.” He shoots her a grin, unlocking the truck once they reach it.

“Are you going to tell your brother?” Jay waited for a little into the drive home before bringing it up. He remembers her telling him that Matty was waiting to hear back from her with whatever decision she made.

“Yeah...I was going to call him…and...” 

“What?” Even if they weren’t dating, he’d know when she was trying to figure out how to ask him something big.

“I was thinking maybe you’d want to meet him?” She chances a quick look at him, but he’s looking forward. Things with Matty are still up in the air, but she knows she wants to try and fix their relationship. She’s pretty sure he does too and having Jay there as a buffer might help.

“I want to meet him if that’s what you want.” She already knows Will, so there hasn’t been that whole ‘meeting the family’ thing yet. From what she told him, Matty is more of a father to her than her own had ever been. 

“It’s what I want.” Her hand slips into his as she turns to look at him again. Choosing Chicago and Jay all those weeks ago turned out to be the easiest decision she’s ever made. He continues to make it that everday and even if she gets everything else wrong, choosing Jay would always be the right thing. 

If only the rest were that simple...

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end. I apologize for the delay with this story. Thanks for reading!

“Would you relax? You’re starting to freak me out.” Jay’s hand falls to her leg, just above her knee in an attempt to stop the nervous bouncing. 

Her hand lands on top of his as she shoots him a sheepish smile. “Sorry. I...sorry.” Letting out a breath, she links her fingers through his hoping to calm herself. They are sitting on Hailey’s couch waiting for her brother to come over. Finding a time in her and Jay’s sporadic schedule had proven a little difficult, but finally, after nearly two weeks of trying to get together, it was happening. 

“I can meet your brother another time. I don’t know if that’s what you’re worried about, but this doesn’t need to be a thing tonight if that helps.” He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t noticed Hailey reverting back to her old ways. She was gone almost every morning she stayed the night, sneaking out before he woke up. ‘I’m fine’...That’s all she says when he tries to ask her about it. It was increasingly more difficult to act like her choice to not confide in him wasn’t hurting him.

“No, I want you here. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.”  _ Except that’s a lie…she does. _ She has been keeping things from both Jay and her brother and if this meeting wasn’t happening tonight, she doesn’t know how long she’d last. 

The knock at the door sets her panicking all over again and Jay shakes his head, telling her to sit down. “I’ll get the door. Just...relax, yeah?” With a quick kiss to the top of her head, Jay makes his way to the door.

“Hey, you must be Matthew.” Jay shakes his hand, stepping aside after her brother comes through. 

“I’m Jay. It’s nice to meet you.” Jay leads them over to the couch where Hailey is now standing, and he watches as she accepts a hug from him. He doesn’t miss the way her fingers curl into the material of his jacket. He can’t imagine how difficult their childhood was, but he’s glad they seem to be making their way back to each other.

Throughout dinner, Jay can see the way Hailey finally seems to relax. Her brother is nice...funny. He reminds him a lot of Hailey. Looks a lot like her too. Especially the eyes. He’d always felt that the color blue was associated with the cold, but like Hailey, Matty’s eyes somehow had this warmth about them. 

“So you guys work together and are in a relationship? That must be hard...in your line of work, I mean.” Matty shifts his gaze between Hailey and Jay, wanting to know how they make it work. 

“It’s not so bad. Honestly, I think it makes us stronger.” Jay smiles over at Hailey before gently tucking her hair behind her ear. “It’s about trust, right?” If he hadn’t been looking right at her, he would have missed the guilt that flashed across her face. It was gone as quickly as it appeared, but he saw it.  _ What was that about? _

Hailey keeps pretty quiet for the next couple of minutes. She knows she wasn’t completely successful in hiding the look that passed over her face. Jay saw, and now he’s probably more worried than he was before. She’s making a mess of this…

“I got my results back.” Two sets of eyes land on her, their gaze burning with questions at her outburst. “I got my blood work back last week and I’m a match.” From the corner of her eye, she can see Jay shift back in his seat, clearly confused by her words. He’s a little quicker at hiding the hurt in his eyes but she still sees it. 

“Shit…” Matty drags his hands over his face. “I was hoping you wouldn’t be a match too. I’m sorry, Hailey. I’m...Just because you’re a match, doesn’t mean you…”

“I’m doing it.” It takes everything in her to not reach out and stop Jay from leaving the table. To her brother, it probably looks like he’s just clearing the table, but Hailey can see the truth. He’s upset with her...maybe even mad that she hadn’t talked to him about this.

“I needed it to be my choice.” Even though she’s looking at Matty now, she makes sure Jay can hear her in the kitchen too. “It’s not something I wanted to be talked into or out of, I guess.”

“Are you sure about this? Hailey...this is a huge decision.” It’s a decision he’d choose to do a hundred times over if it meant she wouldn’t have to.

“I know, Matty.” She lets out a slow breath before looking over at Jay, who seems to be eyeing his coat like he wants to leave. 

“Jay…” Hailey starts, but Jay cuts in.

“I’m gonna head out. Let you guys talk, but um...I’ll see you tomorrow. It was nice meeting you.” Jay nods at her brother as he pulls his coat on, then his shoes, before he steps out into the hallway. 

He’s just pressed the call button on the elevator when Hailey comes jogging down the hall to him.

“You’re mad...you’re mad, and I’m…” She stops, rubbing at her brow as the elevator signals its arrival. She expects him to step on, but his fingers brush against her jaw, turning her face to look back at him.

“I’m not mad, Hailey. Honestly, I’m not. I get it. I just hate that you were dealing with that alone. I hate that it’s even a choice you had to make at all.” He lets his hand follow the curve of her neck, stopping on her shoulder with a reassuring squeeze.

“Come back inside. We can talk about it.” He doesn’t budge when she tries to pull him back with her towards her apartment.

“You two should talk first. This isn’t me walking away. I’m just...letting you work through this with your brother first, okay? One thing at a time.” Maybe he  _ had _ been a little hurt that she kept this from him, but he understands. He wouldn’t do it intentionally, but there was always a chance that he’d project some of his guilt with his dad onto her. 

“Okay.” She leans up, intending to give him a quick kiss, but Jay slides his hands into her hair, deepening the kiss, drawing it out.

“I’ll see you in the morning.” Jay swipes his thumb over her bottom lip. “I love you.”

“Jay, I’m…”

“Stop apologizing. Go.” He nudges her back towards the direction of her apartment with a careful half-smile, waiting until she steps inside before leaving.

* * *

“Everything okay? I can go if you need to deal with that.” Matty is standing by the couch, referring to Jay’s quick departure. He’d felt a little blindsided himself.

“Oh...um...no. We’re okay.” She hopes, anyway.

“This is a really big deal, Hailey. Are you absolutely sure this is what you want to do? I mean...I get not wanting to be talked into a decision, but this isn’t some in and out procedure. Do you really know what you’re getting yourself into?” He sits on the couch next to Hailey when she walks over to sit down. 

“I know, Matty. I promise that I didn’t make this decision lightly. I know the risks. Even if I didn’t, Jay would drill them into my head.” His reaction to her decision is throwing her off a bit. She thought he would be okay with her doing this, but he seems more upset than anything.

“Am I missing something? I don’t understand why you’re practically trying to talk me out of this now.” She watches as an array of emotions play out on his face. Frustration, worry, sadness...regret. 

“You know what? When we met for dinner you asked me if I would do it. If I would choose to save him or let him die...and I know now. I would, Hailey. If it meant you wouldn’t have to make this decision, I would do it in a heartbeat. I’d do it so you didn’t have to.” He’d protect her like he should have done all those years ago. He’d give anything to be the one who had to choose...anything.

“Matty…”

“I wasn’t there for you like I should have been. After I left I just...pushed it away. It was easier to pretend that that wasn’t my life because dealing with the alternative? Facing the fact that I left you there?” He presses his fingers to his eyes, but the emotion is still visible in his eyes when he lowers them. He’s never forgiven himself for leaving her behind or for what he did when he came back for her.

“Always trying to save me…” She tries for a smirk, but it falls flat and she looks away when her eyes go watery too. She hadn’t expected to talk about this tonight, but she’s okay with it happening. She wants to tell him she’s sorry about pushing him away that night. Tell him she understands he was only trying to protect her. At the time, she'd been so scared that she couldn’t tell the difference between him and her father. She’d realized the next day when things finally calmed down, but by that point, she was too ashamed to call him. 

“Except you were never the one who really needed saving...That was me. If it hadn’t been for you, I probably would have turned out just like dad...like Dean. It would have been so easy to let the anger and hate win. But the way you looked at me that night...like I was him? I’m so sorry Hailey. I know it doesn’t fix it or erase what happened, but I was only thinking about protecting you.” It feels like he’s letting her down all over again.

“You aren’t like him, Matty. Seeing you with that gun and hearing you threaten dad? That scared me. I panicked and lied but as soon as you left, I wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you to come back and get me but I was afraid you’d be mad at me.” She’d let that fear hold her back from him for years, and now, here they are, still struggling to get past it. 

“Why are you doing it? Why are you choosing to save him?” He wants to understand, but more than that, he wants to make sure  _ she  _ understands.

“It’s simple, really. I want to be happy, Matty. You said it yourself...Embracing the hate and anger is easy, but choosing to go against that? This is the right decision for me.” It had seemed like an impossible situation when it first came about, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she would never get over letting him die...not if she could save him. It would change her...no doubt about it.

“Okay...this is...you’re amazing, you know that?” Completely in awe of her, he reaches out for her and pulls her in for a hug. “Mom’s going to be so happy and dad...honestly, he’s not so bad now I guess…” He trails off when her body goes tense and she pushes away from him.

“I said I was giving him my kidney. That doesn’t mean I forgive him or mom. They were never a part of my life in any capacity except in a negative way. I don’t need them to be happy and live my life.” According to her doctor, she can donate her kidney anonymously and her parents will never know it was her that did it. This has nothing to do with forgiveness on her part. She accepted a long time ago that a relationship with her parents was never going to be a good thing for her.

“Sorry...I shouldn’t have said that.” He’d wanted a chance to get to know her again, and maybe it had been selfish of him to think that something like this could bring them together again. At least he got the chance to apologize to her. 

“I don’t need them, Matty...but that doesn’t include you. I don’t want to lose you again. So I’m saying no to them...not you.” She can practically feel his relief at her words. He wants to be in her life too. The realization has a smile forming. It wasn’t the reunion she had expected but he’s here now. That was enough.

* * *

The next morning, Jay waits for Hailey in his truck. He hardly slept last night and he’s feeling it now. Hopefully the coffee will kick in soon. Spending the night pouring over anything he could find about donating a kidney was probably not his best idea. The extra information was both helpful and unsettling. The risks, however small they were, terrified him. 

“Hey.” He completely missed Hailey exiting her building but her voice snaps him into focus. Her gaze narrows on the single cup of coffee in the cup holder which makes him remember the first stop he made this morning. After reaching into the back seat, he sets the brown bag on her lap, watching her open it up.

“You brought me a bag of fruit?” This is by far the weirdest thing he’s ever done. “Thanks?”

“I um...May have gone overboard, but all the research I did last night said that you should amp up on certain food before donating a kidney. Fruits, veggies, lots of lean protein, water...then I was thinking that I don’t know what fruit you like best so I just grabbed a…” He trails off when she clamps a hand over his mouth to stop his rambling.

“You brought me fruit…” There’s a hint of disbelief in her voice as she lowers her hand from his lips. After last night, she wasn’t entirely sure what she would be walking into today with him. This was...unexpected and undoubtedly one of the sweetest gestures she’s ever received.

“Yeah well...I’ve seen the crap you eat sometimes.” He shoots her a grin before pulling out into traffic. 

“Had to go and ruin it.” The snap of the apple she bites into fills the truck and for the next couple of minutes, it’s the only sound. Neither speak until they pull into the district parking lot. Jay steps down from the down from the truck, turning back to grab his coffee.

“We are gonna talk about it, right?” He wants to make sure she didn’t gloss over the risk factors.

“Jay...if you’re going to try and change my mind…” She doesn’t get to finish, as Jay gives her a look she hasn't seen from him in a long time. He's disappointed with her and it leaves an unwelcome feeling settling in her chest. Before she can say another word, he shakes his head sadly and shuts his door. She’s left staring at his retreating back as he walks into the building without her.

She finds him in the locker room when she makes her way upstairs. If the slam of his locker is any indication, her statement in his truck definitely struck a nerve.

“I’m sorry.” All she seems to do with him is apologize, and again, from the looks of it, it was the wrong thing to say.

“Would you stop with the apologies already? I don’t want them.” Before he can step past her to the bullpen, she shifts, effectively blocking him.

“Then what do you want?”  _ Tell me how to fix this. _ It’s what she wants to ask him but she already knows that she is the problem. This is her fault.

Jay shuts his eyes, breathing deeply, trying to push aside his frustration. He ends up dropping onto one of the benches, head tipping down as he looks down at his clasped hands.

“You gotta let me in. I’m trying to be there for you but you keep pulling back and I...let me in, Hailey. Let me help you.” He can’t even begin to explain how her assuming he would try to talk her out of this had hurt him. Even after knowing each other for years and dating for a few months, she still had doubts where he was concerned. A part of him understands that she is wired this way because of how she grew up, but he’s starting to wonder if he’ll ever truly get all of her. 

Hailey swallows past the thickness in her throat, joining him on the bench. “I’m trying. I swear to you that I’m trying. I don’t know how to be what you want me to be…”

Jay stops her this time. His left hand lands on her knee while his right one presses gently against her cheek. “I just want you...as you are, Hailey. I’m not after some huge declaration or looking to change you in any way. I just...I just keep waiting for you to realize that you aren’t alone. I’m here...and I want to help.”

“Oh...hey.” They’d been so caught up in their own moment that they didn’t hear Adam enter the locker room until he rounded the last row of lockers. 

Jay pulls his hands from Hailey, quickly standing but it’s too late...Adam saw. Hailey keeps her body angled away from him, still trying to get a wrap on her emotions.

“Adam…” Jay starts but Adam just shakes his head with a knowing smile.

“I knew it. I  _ knew  _ it. I should have put money on it.” Without another word, Adam turns to his locker, going about his normal routine like he didn’t just stumble upon them.

Jay steps past Hailey now, squeezing her shoulder as he passes. She looks a little lost sitting there on the bench and if Adam wasn’t here, he’d reassure her that they were going to be okay. The brief touch to her shoulder would have to do for now.

“Hey listen...we aren’t ready to have everyone know so if you could…”

“No worries, man...I’ll lock it up.” Adam taps the side of his head. “I’m like a vault, but uh...for the record? Nobody knows for certain about you guys but we all suspected it was a thing. I don't care and neither will they.” With that, he walks out, leaving them alone once again.

“You okay?” Jay doesn’t move closer to her. He stays back in case someone else comes in.

“I need  _ you  _ to be okay. I need you to be okay with this, Jay.” She’s done a shit job of showing him that she needs him but the only reason she knows she can do this, is because she has him...his unwavering trust in her.

“I  _ am  _ okay...and I don’t want to change your mind, Hailey. That’s not what this is about. I’m scared, alright? I’m scared for all the ways this could end badly and how it could change us, but even though I’m terrified of all the ‘what ifs’, I support you. I want to be by your side through this...so just let me.” He does go to her now, trailing his fingers down her arm until she grabs his hand tightly.

“How’d I get so lucky?” There’s a lot they need to talk about but here at work isn’t the place, so she lightens the mood.

“Like you could resist  _ me…” _ Shooting her a smirk, he leads the way out into the bullpen, keeping her hand in his until the very last second.

* * *

**8 months later(present day)**

From his seat at the folding table they’ve got set up in the living room, Jay watches as Hailey tips her head back in laughter at something Kevin said. Even with the Christmas music on and all the conversations happening, he can still hear the joy in her laugh and the way it seems to make her impossibly brighter. She's practically glowing with happiness. 

Their whole unit is here along with both of their brothers. Matty and his girlfriend had even brought their one month old daughter Lacey as well. There’s so many people here and it’s loud and more than a little crammed, but from the look on Hailey’s face, she’s happy. Definitely the happiest he’s ever seen her. The unit knows about them. Adam had been right. No one cared, and they were all happy that it finally happened.

When Hailey disappears into the kitchen, Jay barely waits a second before he follows after her. He finds her at the stove, humming to the music, stirring the pasta sauce they had set to simmer earlier. 

Hailey doesn’t hear him enter behind her. It’s not until Jay is pressing against her back, hands settling on her waist, that she realizes she isn’t alone in here.

“Let me taste.” Jay props his chin on her shoulder, waiting for the sauce she scoops to cool some.

“Good?” Hailey turns her head to see him, biting her own lip at the way Jay’s mouth moves, which sets her pulse racing.

“Mmm perfect.” During her recovery, they had cooked together often. Jay had shared his favorite recipes with her and Hailey had taught him how to make some of the Greek dishes she had picked up over the years.

“Jay, I need to add the pasta.” Hailey squirms halfheartedly in his wandering hands. The man loves to touch her. A brush of his arm against hers or a warm hand on her thigh. He wastes no opportunity to have his hands on her. His new favorite thing to do is slide his fingers under her shirt to touch the skin of her sides and stomach. She’d brought it up once, a few months ago, when she had finally been fully cleared.

* * *

**5 months ago**

She’s exhausted. Everything hurts. Her feet, her back, her eyes...just all of it. Her first full week back had been exhilarating. She’d been so excited to get back out there, that she hadn’t given any thought to pacing herself. She forgot how draining their job could be. 

“I’m so happy it’s Friday.” Jay tosses his arm around Hailey as they walk up the sidewalk to his apartment. His fingers automatically slide under the hem of her sweatshirt, pulling her undershirt up to get to the soft skin beneath. 

Hailey hums out her agreement, shivering at the warmth from his palm. “What’s this about?” Her fingers tap against the hand under her clothes. She's been meaning to ask him about this new habit of his. 

“Nothing...just like touching you.” He lets her go so he can unlock the door, pushing it open for her to walk through. When he stands back up from unlacing his boots, she’s just standing there, like she’s waiting for another answer so he offers her one.

“Okay...fine. I can’t touch you like this at work because you’ve got that special shirt on all the time.” He’s talking about the specialty tanks he ordered off the internet for her after the surgery. They come with interchangeable padding to help reduce the risk of severe injuries. It was supposed to help protect her remaining kidney. He probably went a little overboard with them, but knowing she’s wearing them helps.

“Aw...Jay, that’s so cute.” She smiles up at him, sliding her own over the fabric of his henley. “But just so we’re clear...you can’t touch me at work because we are  _ at work. _ Off limits...remember?” 

“Copy you…” His voice trails off when her hands move to the bottom of his shirt now.

“We aren’t at work now though.” Jay swallows at the glint of mischief in her eyes.

“No we are not.” He can feel her grin against his lips and then she was kissing him, all thoughts of how tired they were completely forgotten _. _

* * *

**Present Day**

Sometimes, when it’s just the two of them in the locker room now, she’ll make a show of removing the tank top, smirking at the way his fingers flex, itching to touch her. In the end, the teasing and the waiting is always worth it.

“I’m not stopping you.” Even with his lips busy at her neck, he passes her the boxes of noodles to add to the water.

“You’re distracting me though. At least make yourself useful and get the garlic bread ready to go into the oven.” She misses his hands on her immediately, but at least she can focus on finishing up dinner without burning herself.

“Bossy, bossy…” Jay swats her butt playfully before moving to the bread.

“I’ll show you bossy…” She turns to him, pointing the spoon in her hand at him.

“Oh I hope you do.” As happy as he is knowing this is what Hailey had wanted, he can’t wait for everyone to leave so he can have her to himself.

* * *

Later, when it’s just the two of them, and the apartment is tidied up, Jay heads back to the bedroom to see where Hailey was in her nighttime routine. They’d normally be in bed already by now, but when he walks in the room, she’s still in the shower. 

Tonight was a really good time. It was nice to spend time with his friends outside of the work environment. Sitting back down on the bed, leaving his feet touching the floor, Jay lays back and runs through the night in his mind. So many new memories were made tonight but the one he keeps circling back to involves Hailey and her tiny niece. The feeling he had when he saw her holding that beautiful little girl was completely unexpected. The way she had looked over at him after nuzzling Lacey’s little cheeks, like she was saying that this would be them one day. The warmth that spread through his chest caught him off guard. He thought they were still a ways off from having kids, but seeing her with a baby in her arms just did something to him. They’d talked about kids before, but the conversation didn’t prepare him for how much he wanted that with her.

* * *

**3 days before the surgery**

“You could die.” It’s blunt. He can hear the uncertainty and fear in his own voice but out of all the reasons he is scared for her, that one is at the top of the list. He is afraid of losing her, that’s the bottom line.

They’re laying next to each other on her bed while they talk over her upcoming surgery. So far, it’s just been Jay letting her hear all his concerns. She thinks she’s doing a decent job or working through them with him.

“I could die everyday.” Rolling onto her side, she props her head on her hand, looking at him. “We knowingly put our lives on the line every time we step out of the district. This might seem scarier but it’s basically the same thing.” It’s not that she has no fears about the surgery, she just is choosing to look at the positives and the facts. “Less than .003% of kidney donors suffer complications from the surgery that result in death. Our chances of getting shot on the job are easily triple that.”

She’s right but it doesn’t fully ease his mind. “What about after, when you’re discharged? Our job is physically demanding. You’re at an increased risk of injury to your remaining kidney.” 

“I am. That part will always be true. The only thing I can tell you is that I’ll be careful or as careful as I can be. My doctor said there were these padded shirts that people can get to help soften a blow but I haven’t looked into them yet.” The pads would help in a hand to hand fight but they wouldn’t do much for knife or bullet wounds. 

The second Hailey finished telling him about the tanks, Jay has his phone out, looking them up. They look like something a football player would wear. “How about this one?” He points the phone towards her face to show her the screen.

“Jay...I’m months away from needing those. We can ask the doctor what he recommends. He knows I’m a cop and he’s never once told me he didn’t think I’d be back to it after surgery.” If she let him, he would order one of every style just so she could find the one she liked best. Over the last couple of days since finding out she was donating her kidney, he’d taken doing little things for her to the extreme. It was sweet if not a tad overwhelming.

“Is there more you want to talk about? Other questions you have?” Even though she is tired, she won’t rush him. She had kept him out long enough. This was the least she could do.

“What uh...what about kids?” He props himself up on his own hand, mirroring her position. 

“What about them?” Okay...she hadn’t seen this one coming. Were they at the ‘kids conversation’ point already?

“Pregnancy with one kidney can lead to a lot of issues for the mother.” He doesn’t want to freak her out but he’d spent a lot of time reading over the research on pregnancy with one kidney. He doesn’t even know if kids are in the mix for her.

“I guess...we just cross that bridge when...if we get there.” She wants kids. She wants kids with Jay more specifically.

“But you want kids though?” His hand shakes a little as he reaches across the small space between them to settle on her waist. An image of Hailey with her hair down and her hands holding her rounded belly fills his head. A soft, secret smile on her face...He wants that. 

“Mmm” She rolls on her back, pretending to think about it, and the new position has his hand settling fully on her stomach. “A little you running around? Yeah...I could do that.” She wouldn’t care really about a boy or girl, she just wants them to have his eyes. Everything else would be a bonus.

Jay presses his hand against her stomach for a second longer before he moves his hand to her far hip, tugging her across the bed to him.

“You are...everything.” His fingers tangle in the hair that spills over his pillow. “You’re everything to me.” 

“Jay…” Her voice is barely a whisper. Everything...that’s exactly how she feels about him. Her feelings for Jay were huge and honestly, a little scary but his choice of words is fitting. They felt right.  __

* * *

**Present Day**

The surgery had gone better than anyone could have predicted. Hailey was sent home after a week of recuperating in the hospital surrounded by her friends and her brother Matty. Jay had been able to take a week off to stay at her place after she got home but Hailey had sent him back to work after four days, telling him she was more than fine and he didn’t need to stay and watch her sleep. 

Working without her had definitely taken some getting used to. He bounced between Kevin and Adam during her recovery, which was better for him. Their humor helped distract him from the fact that Hailey was home alone. 

When she returned to work over two months later, everything felt like it was falling back into place. Jay had ordered half a dozen protective tank tops for her and even though she was on restricted desk duty for the first two weeks back, he insisted that she wear them.

The bathroom door opens and his head turns in that direction. Through the cloud of steam that rushes from the bathroom, Jay can see her. Her left side is visible as she dries off. He can’t see the four, one-inch scars on her stomach or the longer one a few inches below her belly button, but he knows they are there. A perfect reminder of how strong and brave she is. She never ceases to amaze him.

“You should take a picture…” She could feel his gaze burning into her skin the moment she opened the door. Not that she minds...she likes him looking at her. She doesn’t think she will ever get tired of the way his eyes go heated for her...like she’s the last morsel of food on the whole earth and he wants to devour her where she stands.

“Maybe you should come over here so I don’t have to.” He’s mostly teasing but it’s a challenge as well. One she accepts without a moment of hesitation. 

She doesn’t bother with wrapping a towel around herself and maybe she adds a little sway to her hips as she nears him, but from the look in his eyes, he doesn’t mind. This next part of her nightly routine is easily her favorite. It involves Jay’s hands on her body...why wouldn’t it be her favorite?

While Hailey stops to grab a sleep shirt and a pair of shorts, Jay stands to shed his clothes before joining her back on the bed. He’s already pouring some of the scar therapy oil into his hands, warming it, ready to get his hands on her. Every night they do this. Hailey will lay still as Jay massages the oil into her scars. Sometimes she watches her iPad or reads a book, but Jay tends to let his hands roam and easily 60% of the time it ends with her completely naked and panting under him. Not that she’s complaining.

Tonight though, his fingers stick to the scars, for now anyway, seemingly content with this degree of touching. At the moment, she can’t think of a better place to be than here in this bed with him. From the moment she met him, every choice she made led her here. To him. To happiness. To a life so full of laughter and love that it’s hard to believe it’s real sometimes. This was her life now and there’s not a single thing she would change.


End file.
